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by thebookthiefstardis



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 19th Century, 20th Century, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:35:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25225450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebookthiefstardis/pseuds/thebookthiefstardis
Summary: Crowley persuades Hell to adopt electronic communication methods. It doesn't go quite as he expected.
Kudos: 2





	1. 1830

Crowley was making his way through the muddy streets of London, looking over his shoulder in a vain effort to make sure nobody was following him, when he almost ran into a man who seemed to be staggering about in a drunken daze.

CROWLEY, hissed the man, suddenly turning and grabbing Crowley's shoulders.

Crowley gulped. "Y-yes, Lord?"

WE NOTICED YOU WERE IN FRANCE LATELY, CROWLEY.

"Ngk." Crowley didn't know what to reply, especially as he didn't particularly know how far back "lately" was. He had no idea how backed up Hell's earth observation system was; despite there being only one demon stationed on earth (the rest were strictly on an as-summoned basis) they could have been referring to anything from the Lottery to the July revolution, none of which was really his doing. The possessed man just glared back with expressionless eyes.

WE ARE VERY PLEASED, CROWLEY.

"Oh. Uh. All in a day's work, really. Or a year's." Crowley managed a watery smile. He had to put up a good face in front of the boss. If only they'd stick to the letters. He decided to try his luck, since Satan seemed to be in a good mood.

"Uh, Lord, if I may be so bold as to enquire-"

GO ON, CROWLEY.

"Uh- I thought the letter system I suggested a few hundred years ago was working quite well- and as I mentioned- possessed people, uh, rather tend to draw attention-"

WE HAVE BEEN SENDING YOU LETTERS SINCE 1804, CROWLEY. YOU HAVE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED A SINGLE ONE.

"Um." Crowley couldn't think of a good enough excuse for that. The truth was simply that he was too busy, and probably his forwarding address hadn't yet been updated in Hell's filing system.

WE HAVE DECIDED TO SWITCH TO OUR TRADITIONAL MODE OF COMMUNICATION UNTIL YOU CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER.

Bugger. If only someone would hurry up and invent a device he could take with him, on which he could recieve messages instantly.


	2. 1960

"And though the telephone and the portable television are the most widely used electrical communication devices among humans, there is one more new technology which would multiply the forment and discord one demon can spread by a thousandfold."

Crowley flipped to the next slide on the projector device. He wasn't convinced anyone in the audience was even paying attention; Hastur and Ligur weren't even pretending to look at the screen and even Beelzebub's bees were unnaturally silent. He was determined to finish, though - he was enjoying the 20th century greatly, and was going to try his damnedest- excuse his French, blessedest- to drag the Lords of Hell into the 20th century with him. If he could just stop the possess-o-grams, that would be enough.

"Car phones!" Crowley gestured at the screen with a flourish, seemingly waking up a cloud of flies, judging by the sudden buzzing noise. "Think about it- millions upon millions of frustrated travelers, stuck in traffic jams, and to add to their frustrations- ringing phones! With unwanted callers at the other ends! How many will curse God and renounce him? How many will indulge in other sins while taking out their frustrations on their fellow humans? The carry-forward potential is endless!"

"We are very imprezzed with your little demonzztration, Crowley." Beelzebub interrupted his impassioned speech.

"Presentation." Muttered Crowley.

"However, we will be even more imprezzed if you managed to finish in the next two minutes." Continued Beelzebub, taking no notice of Crowley. "Some of uzz have other jobzz. Which they should have been at an hour ago."

"Anyway, what I was saying is that while I, in my capacity as Chief Field Agent, division Earth, will continue to incorporate these devices to further our soul-gathering quota-"

"Sixzzty secondzz." buzzed Beelzebub.

"Maybe Hell should consider adopting electronic methods of communication. You know, modernise. Move on with the times. In order to keep up with the ever-inflating souls on earth."

"Very intrezzting." Beelzebub sang as ze walked past Crowley's desk, gathering his report on the way out. "We shall put thizz through the proper channelzz and let you know what the council deliberatezz."

They let Crowley know five months later, when they interrupted Coronation Street on his new television set.


End file.
